Oh, I just need some understanding.

justinsanak: Giveaway: It’s time for another long post about a friend of mine This is a...

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 01:07:47 -0500

Giveaway: It’s time for another long post about a friend of mine

This is a giveaway post that goes to a great cause. There are details at the bottom.

(For the record, the originator of this post is a straight male who very much supports equal rights.)

I have the privilege of knowing some amazing people. There’s Allie, the winner of the Accelerade comeback contest and a future Ironman whom I’ve blogged about recently. There’s the Eskamani twins, the leaders of UCF’s College Democrats who have been commended by Barack Obama for their work on his campaigns.

And then there’s my friend Camille, the founder of a Tumblr called Gay Writes.

I know Camille from my days at the Poynter Institute, where I participated in and then volunteered at the High School Journalism Program. Camille was a student in the program during the summer when I volunteered.

At Poynter, and in college journalism schools, instructors talk about self-branding a lot. Find your own voice, they say. Cover a niche, they say. Instructors, professionals in the business and all the journalism blogs swear up and down that the most successful journalists in tomorrow’s world will make a name for themselves using their own blogs, podcasts and websites, as opposed to being signed on by Rolling Stone or the New York Times.

Despite all the rhetoric and lectures, though, most journalism students see the self-made journalist story as a sort of fairy tale. Sure, there are examples from our generation, like Jeremy Porter and Suzanne Yada, who have made their websites into must-haves for the RSS readers of young journalists, most of us talk ourselves out of even trying for that path. Instead, we opt for the easier route of stringing along internships and entry-level positions in small-town papers, quietly moving up a step every few years or so until we hit our mid-30’s.

But Camille, to use an over-quoted line, has taken the road less traveled. In June 2010, when she was a sophomore in Northwestern’s journalism program, she made a Tumblr called GayWrites as a class project. Most blogs created as part of a class get a little bit of action in the beginning of their lives, but when the class ends they grind to a halt. (I know I have a few that have languished after their classes ended.)I followed it in the beginning just to show support for a fellow Poynter veteran, but I didn’t think anything would come of it.

Camille, it seems, didn’t get the memo that she should slack off. She started covering the gay community tirelessly through her new blog, and it slowly began to grow. I remember when she was excited about having 50 followers. And then 100. And then she was ecstatic when she reached 250.

Last time I checked, she was sitting at more than 15,000 followers spread out over 90 countries.

Camille has worked her ass off on this blog, and it’s been paying off for her. She posts at least three times per day and collates news from all sorts of sources, including news sites and human rights organizations. She does all her own research (and gives credit to those who give her story tips, including Yours Truly), writes and edits all her own commentary, and is responsible for all of the upkeep and moderation on her blog.

In short, Camille is a shining example of a new model of journalism, an inspiration to me and a genuinely good person who has worked hard to build something wonderful.

Now here’s the deal: Up until now, Camille hasn’t made any money from her work with GayWrites. She doesn’t have ads on her site, and the one contest her blog was entered into that paid any money was stolen using vote hacking. She does accept donations, but they go to cover the costs of running a website that has gotten more than 160,000 hits since the last time she reset her counter.

This is changing. As you can see from the post below, she’s turning GayWrites into a nonprofit corporation, which means the site will be able to support itself through ads. It will also raise money to help found gay-straight alliances in schools, which is a cause that will help many, many teenagers struggling to find their way in life.

To do that, Camille is selling GayWrites bumper stickers through her blog for just $2 plus shipping. All proceeds go to pay for the process to incorporate GayWrites as a 501(c)3.

I just bought five. You can get yours here.

But I only have one car, so I’m going to try doing a giveaway for the other four.

Here are the rules:

I’ll hold this giveaway for a month, from now until March 13, 2012. You must reblog this, from either me or someone who has reblogged it, in its entirety to enter the contest. (Read: likes don’t count.) I’ll be giving out four GayWrites bumper stickers to four random rebloggers, the names of which will be drawn at the end of the month. Following me is appreciated but won’t help you win the contest (unless you believe in Karma.) Following GayWrites won’t help you win either, but is highly encouraged. And finally, while multiple reblogs are great for getting the word about about supporting Camille, only one entry is allowed per blog for the entirety of this contest. I’ll post the winners in March, and they’ll get a message from me.

If I’ve missed anything in the above rules, use common sense and don’t try to find a loophole. If you don’t win the drawing, don’t have a Tumblr or you just don’t want to wait a month for a sticker, please support Camille and buy a sticker for yourself.

Thanks for reblogging. Have a nice day.

Camille’s original post is below:

gaywrites:

Hi, friends:

I’ve been hinting at big news for GayWrites for a couple weeks now, and it’s finally time to reveal what I’ve been working on.

First: the site is getting a redesign. Starting in a few weeks, GayWrites will have a whole new look. You’ll get the same coverage of LGBT news and media,…

new-ish blog

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 14:19:54 -0500

I’m moving this to a more ~professional~ platform. If you still want to keep track of these posts and whatnots then books mark this website—>

http://hopebringsabrighterday.wordpress.com/

ms. brightside

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 18:02:44 -0500

It’s officially Spring semester 2012. How does this make me feel? Scared, eager, worried, excited. This will be another post about how a year ago I was at my worst and my lowest and how still to this day I am baffled by how far I’ve come.

At RUF this week, Ande started talking about James and how he deems himself as a slave to God and that’s his calling card and what we’re slaves to. He said that we like to get our ducks all in a row and Jesus loves to come and knock them all out of the way and make us start all over.

This analogy is exactly what happened to me and I’m still scared that it will happen again. I’m scared that I’m going to plan for the future and attempt to figure out what I’m doing with my life and God is going to tell me that, yet again, I’m not listening to Him and He’s going to make me start all over again.

I’m worried because I’m afraid. I’m still walking on eggshells not only with my future, but also with relationships. For some reason, I don’t want to get close to anyone, I’m holding a lot of people at arms length and I don’t know why or how to embrace them properly. I’m worried that I’m going to show them my issues and my hurt and they’re going to abandon me, which is a silly stupid fear. I’m worried that everyone will leave and I’ll be alone. Maybe this is what God needs for me, for everyone to be gone so I have no choice but to lean on him.

I’m eager because my future is there. I can reach it and possibly even touch it. I’m ready to jump into it all and wade around in the water. My future is bright again and my life is back on track and I’m in such a better and more hopeful place. I have plans. My mother is a bit baffled at what I’m planning, but I’m ready. I’m still very worried that this will all collapse, but I’m ready.

I’m excited. I’m looking forward to the mess in front of me: grad apps, job apps, new apartments, new cities. I’m excited to go off on this crazy adventure that is the rest of my life. The plans I’m making are exciting and awesome and new, things I had never ever imagined before. And they are close, but I have to reel it in and remember to graduate undergrad first. I need to remember to put one foot in front of the other and take it one day at a time.

I’m unsure with where I’m going and when it will be, but I know it’s soon. I’m learning how to trust God with everything in my life, which is harder than I thought it would be.

Photo

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 22:28:36 -0500

“I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all...

Fri, 23 Dec 2011 16:34:45 -0500

“I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can’t see from the center.”

-Kurt Vonnegut

I read this quote today and it struck something in me. I often want to be in the center of everything. I want to be on everyone’s minds, I want to be the person that people always think of and the person they want to do things with. I have so many different groups of friends, but I want to be the center of all of them. I am so selfish when it comes to this. I often feel lonely when I think the center of a certain group is doing something and I wasn’t invited.

But, I am on the edge, just as everyone else is. I am on the outside, just like everyone else. The older I get the more thrilled I think I am to be on the edge. I like to be alone now, solitude and loneliness are two very different things. Here out on the edge, I see things differently. I am free to be only me and not worry about what every one else is thinking about me. I am breaking free of the chains that society has bound on me. Even though my family still teases me, my friends sometimes are no where to be found, I am on the edge. Looking at all the beauty the world still holds.

I have to be careful on the edge, because just like Kurt, I want to keep looking, as far as I can, but I have to be careful not to fall. And I often do fall over the edge. But I climb back up and keep looking over.

This is a post I made when I first found out that I did badly on my grades, it’s interesting...

Thu, 15 Dec 2011 13:08:21 -0500

This is a post I made when I first found out that I did badly on my grades, it’s interesting that this is the moment and the start of a lot of my problems, but I’m still so hopeful.

erinthedrowsy:

here is your warning *if you do not give a shit about my life then don’t read this*

So I got my grades back for the semester, 2 D’s 1 D+ and 1 C. Yup, I did that awesome.. I’m so disappointed in myself. I feel like my whole life everyone told me I was so smart and that I was going to go so far in life. But I feel like I’ve hit this huge wall, like *smack* hit it without seeing it, forehead is red cuz I hit it so hard type of wall.

The problem is, I think, is that I have no direction. I do not know what I want to do, what kind of job I like, where I want to be, none of that bull crap stuff. No idea whatsoever. I’m so sick of people telling me it’s ok not to know. It’s not, I’m almost 20 years old, I feel like I’ve wasted two years of my life attempting to get a degree in something science related because that’s what I’m expected to do. I’m suppose to be awesome when it comes to science, and be so driven and all that.

Honestly, I’m just lazy and tired. I don’t want to do science anymore, but I’m not good at anything else. I’m looking at other majors, and I’m awful at all the topics I’d have to study. On top of that I already have two years worth of science credits that would go down the drain and not count for anything. I understand that maybe I shouldn’t be in college, but then what do I do? How does one even go about finding a real job without having a college degree? Does this mean I’ll be working in a fast food joint for the rest of my life? I wanted so much more than that, I don’t want an average life. If that means no college, so be it, but I don’t want to settle. I want adventure, and I want to help people! I want to make a difference.

But how can I make a difference in the world, when I can’t even help myself? I love reading books and interviews about these people who move to India and liberate people from sex-trafficking, or people who move to Africa and help the Invisible Soldiers. I feel like I want to help these people, heck I even want to help the homeless in Orlando. But how do I make a life out of that? In order to help these people I need, money. And security. I have to be able to take care of myself before I can help them. I have to be able to get to India, or Africa before I can help them. In order to do this I need a job, one that pays well. But I’ve been so lazy my whole life and I’ve only have like one real job on top of random babysitting.

I’m also afraid that if I do get a job now while I’m attempting classes I’ll do even worse than I already am. I don’t want to flunk out of college, that would feel like the end of the world.

I know that God has big plans for me. I understand that I’m in this rut because I was doing something wrong and it wasn’t in His plans. But just once, I’d like a map. Just a map that I could look at and realize that a month from now, a year from now, it would all be better, I would know where I’d end up, where I was headed, it would all be easy. I want an easy life, but I know that’s not going to happen. My life is this complicated mess for a reason. It sucks. I’m am at rock bottom, completely empty, lost… but I will find my way. I just pray that it’s somewhere I’ll know… I guess. Obviously what I want is not what God wants.. sometimes that is the hardest thing to hear and to admit.

these crazy times

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:18:41 -0500

It’s officially December: simultaneously the best and worst time of the year. It’s almost finals week and I find myself reflecting back on this semester. What did I do, what do I have to show for it?? Did I waste another 4 months pretending like I know what I’m doing with my life?

I thought I had semi-answered the question of what I want to do with the rest of my life. Sitting here tonight and thinking about life after college, I realize I’m still just as lost as I was three years ago. Instead of creating a clearer path, I created a mess of everything. Don’t get me wrong, I love the mess my life is. I love that I’m stuck in the wilderness indefinitely. The wilderness is a magical weird place that I feel like I will wander in for the rest of my life. There are so many paths in front of me, but I just want to stop and look around awhile. Look above at the sun streaming through the trees as the wind blows their leaves. Feel the leaves crunch under my feet. See all the wonder and beauty that God has created.

But, the world has another plan for my life. I constantly struggle with the balance between what I think God wants for me and what I want for me. I find myself getting trapped inside this lie that society has created for what a successful life looks like. I’m afraid to stray from the norm sometimes. But, I know this with every fiber of my being, God has never ever ever planned for me to fit in with the norm. I was born to stand out and step up and lead a different life. My family will never understand, my friends may think I’m insane, and I may doubt myself everyday, but I was made for so much more than the lies that the world had told me.

What does this look like? I don’t know, you should know this by now, I have no idea what the heck is going on. But it’s nice to sit in my unknowing and trust that God has a bigger plan for my life, one bigger than anything I could ever imagine. I invite you to forget your plans and learn to truly live, because ten years down the road is too far away, today is still not over.

He’s a real nowhere man,Sitting in his Nowhere Land,Making...

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 23:56:29 -0500

He’s a real nowhere man,
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.

Doesn’t have a point of view,
Knows not where he’s going to,
Isn’t he a bit like you and me?

in limbo

Sun, 13 Nov 2011 11:25:51 -0500

It is probably too early this Sunday for me to be writing this post, but I’ve been putting it off long enough and there’s no time like the present, right?

What do you do when you think you’re sliding back to where you were a year ago? You were standing on a nice smooth granite slab on the edge of a cliff, and you weren’t worried one bit, you were strong enough to stand there and be strong and move on. Then one day, out of absolutely no where, you fall, slip on a slippery bit of the slab, but it’s so smooth there is no where to grab on to. So, you slip and slide slowly down the side of the cliff wishing you had never moved an inch.

But that’s the hard part about change. Sometimes you can move forward to a healthy place, but sometimes you fall down, down into the same pit you were stuck in for so long. You thought you knew how to stay out, you thought you knew everything about that kind of hurt, but in reality, you were just lying to yourself, yet again. I’d like to say that this is new and I’m confused with how I got here, but in reality I probably saw it coming when it was a mile away, but being the stubborn person that I am, I ignored it. It was far enough away that I didn’t need to worry, I was so good and so long past that pain. And then one day, boom. It hits me, like a sack of potatoes to the face, that unbearable pain and hurt that has no reason to be there.

Saying it’s a chemical imbalance could be true, but maybe there is no happy ending with me. Maybe I’m doomed to be stuck in this limbo of a being stuck and getting unstuck. I’m getting whiplash from the seasons in my life that keep drastically changing. I like to tell myself I’m a good person, when maybe the reality is, I’m not. I get tired of fighting and struggling, and sometimes the only thing you can do instead of slipping is to stand up with your arms out-stretched and free-fall backwards into the dark abyss because you know you’ll find your way out.

Dear Chris Martin,

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 18:52:26 -0400

(and any other celebrity getting crap from everyone)

I just wanted to tell you how much I love you and Coldplay. I had gotten the album A Rush of Blood to the Head for Christmas one year and didn’t really bother with it, til I was 14 and on a bus in the middle of Nice, France. I was feeling lonely and miserable even though I was visiting one of the most beautiful places in the world. That is when I thought I’d give that album a try and put it into my portable CD player. My life was changed forever. Your lyrics and the music brought me to life, feelings I didn’t even know I felt were being played for me through my giant headphones. I’m convinced I listen to that album on repeat for an entire year.

Then X&Y came out, and just when I though you guys couldn’t exceed my expectations, you did. This album was also when I realized that many people don’t love you guys the way I do. I started hearing about how you guys sold out, and that you guys made crappy music… were they listening to the same stuff I was? X&Y had to be one of the best selling albums when it came out, yet, people seemed to hate it. You started getting crap about being an awful person, a socialist, and anti-American.

Every time one of Coldplay’s albums come out, I am reminded of the saving power that music can have. It renews my soul. It breaks my heart when every review I read talks about how people think you are a crappy person, do they even know you??? I do not believe for one second that someone who can write the lyrics for Every Teardrop is a Waterfall can be this awful person that everyone else says you are. I simply can’t believe it, until I’m sitting down drinking tea with you and hear it straight from your mouth. Until that moment, I will forever be a devoted and loyal fan. Screw the haters, they’re just jealous.

look how far you've come my dear

Sat, 24 Sep 2011 13:34:16 -0400

I am baffled by how much my life has changed in the past year. I almost have no words to describe how amazed I am. A few that do come to mind are Jesus, grace, humility, hope, and mercy.

I am so grateful to finally be in a major I actually enjoy. At this time last year I was freaking out over a chem 2 test or a bio 2 assignment, dreading life and classes and avoiding big problems in my life. I am now getting A’s and B’s on my tests (instead of D’s and F’s), I actually enjoy and look forward to all my classes. I have a job that I absolutely love. I am able to actually deal with stress in my life instead of pretending it doesn’t exist. I am able to deal with my FOMO (fear of missing out) better. I am actually happy being single; enjoying life’s crazy ups and downs instead of assuming the world is out to get me.

Hope brought a brighter day, but I still have so far to go. I have made it to the check point, but the finish line is still miles away. I have rainy days, but the joy joy joy down in my heart makes things better. Yes, there are still so many problems in my life, but life is too wonderful to be so nit picky about all the bugs in my garden. If I spend all my time trying to kill them to keep my garden alive, I will forget to stop and smell the flowers, forget to enjoy how beautiful they are.

One of the biggest changes in my life is the friends that have remained. People that I thought I was soooo close to are no where to be found. It always makes me so sad when I look back on previous friends who I was so close to that I haven’t talk to in a really long time. But, there are people in my life that I never thought I’d be this close to. People I never really considered that good of friends, but I have so much fun with them, there’s no drama. And of course, I can’t forget the people who were always there for me and are still there for me. People who I know are always praying for my mess of a life and people that I’m always praying for.

Just know that I want to pray for you. Send me an ask and I will pray for you more specifically. If you want me to pray for someone else besides yourself, I will do that as well. Anon is on as well if you don’t want me to know who you are, but I want to be praying for you! hopewillbringabrighterday.tumblr.com/ask

paradise

Thu, 15 Sep 2011 12:18:32 -0400

These past two weeks have been rough, last week I was really sick and questioning a lot of stuff, this week I have tests galore.

This week though has been amazing. God is opening my eyes to see a lot of things I haven’t been able to see. Like the fact that even though I’m struggling, life is so good. RUF this week was something I needed to really hear, and I almost didn’t go. Truth was thrown in my face like a sack of potatoes. Eye opening truths about how I view my relationships with people. Running into Ande in the union was amazing, because I told him about how low I was last year, and he apologized that no one noticed and no one helped. Apologized. What is this? This is God. Giving me gold nuggets in a sea of hopelessness.

Even today for instance, I’m studying for my third test, my classes are killing me, but I absolutely love them. I hate when class ends, I love what I am learning. My archaeology class fascinates me to no end, I enjoy devouring my text book. Even my statistics class excited me, because we keep talking about the Sociology field and about what there is out there for me to do, and I am excited for my future. I am growing every day in ways I could never imagine, I’m am jumping leaps and bounds.

Yes, I am still struggling, but when I look at the world around me I see so much hope and so many beautiful things. God makes beautiful things out of us.

a call for change

Sat, 10 Sep 2011 01:48:00 -0400

I don’t know about anyone else, but I know that I really hate social networking sites. Even Tumblr. I hate them because it causes me to feel so jealous, and worthless, and insecure. I’m over this.

I’m sick and tired of looking on my newsfeed and cringing in pain. Why wasn’t I invited to this even that ALL of my friends are going to? Why am I not hanging out with this group of people who said they love me, they must’ve been lying, that’s the only reason they didn’t invite me, because they really hate me and just were too nice to say it to my face. Why didn’t so and so like my status, I tried so hard to come up with something witty that I thought they would like, but they didn’t. I am so unworthy of love. I am going to end up alone, I feel so lonely, I am worthless.

These are the lies that sites like facebook and twitter make me feel. Lies that have been amplified ever since I got a smart phone. They dig up these deep rooted issues I’ve been running from and cause the devil to make me tell myself things that aren’t true. Things I know are lies, but I can’t help but think, maybe this is true. Maybe I’m not good enough. Maybe I’m not loved by these people and it’s all in my head. Maybe I will end up alone. Alone. Is that really the worst thing in the world???

So, I’m attempting to cut the chord. It’s going to be really tough. I really want to delete all of these accounts, but I’m not strong enough for that. I am going to attempt facebook first, that one is the hardest. It will be tough. But facebook isn’t important, God is. God tells me truths, like I am worthy, I am loved, I am worth it.

lately the weather seems so bipolar

Tue, 06 Sep 2011 11:41:37 -0400

Today is one of those days where the weather and my pandora station completely match my mood (for those of you not in Orlando it is raining). I have been feeling pretty crappy lately.

It was interesting, because I started an Antibiotic for my eye and ended up getting really sick, so it’s been helping loads. But today, my sickness is one of those weird coughs that is caused by a nasal drip.. gross stuff. But this isn’t the only thing making me feel crappy (of course).

“How many special people change?” This is a lyric from Champagne Supernova by Oasis and it’s strikes me. I feel like a really common thing in my life is people changing, including myself. I hate it. I hate changing, and I hate when relationships change. I hate that I can’t hang out with certain people the same way I used to. I hate it I hate it I hate it, I am officially a three year old complaining. But instead of complaining, I should be fighting for the friendships I still want, still need. Building this huge wall up isn’t going to help me at all, it won’t even prevent my feelings from getting hurt like I want it to. This wall is starting to turn into a castle, complete with a moat, so that no one will ever get close and no one will ever hurt me.

This has to be one of the biggest lies I’ve ever told myself. I’m sure it is all in my head, but when I start thinking like that and deciding it is like that, then it actually happens. Friendships end. I was the thorn that broke the line securing us together. One by one I can see all the lines breaking and falling and my relationships with people are dying. It’s overwhelming.

But people will always hurt me, no matter what. It’s the ones who will love my regardless of my silliness and sickness that I need to fight for and deal with the hurt for.

New semester, new me?

Thu, 01 Sep 2011 01:37:42 -0400

So this is the second week of my “Junior” year. It is weird to think that I’m technically a Junior in college. It seems like yesterday I was in elementary school without a care in the world except which power ranger I got to play (I always wanted to be the pink one). But, here I am, 20 years old, starting a brand new semester.

I always convince myself that things aren’t going to change drastically anymore. I feel like sometimes that is the biggest lie I tell myself, because I am not the same person I once was. I have changed so much in the last 6 months or so. It was a good change, don’t get me wrong, but how can I expect the world around me to stay the same?

How can I expect my siblings to stay the same? How can I expect school to stay the same? How can I expect my friends to stay the same? I almost feel bad, but I feel like there are a couple of people I thought I was really close with that I realize I have nothing in common with anymore. I’m so sick and tired of trying to prove to a certain group of people that I’m awesome and in need of their attention. Honestly I couldn’t give a flying fuck if they want to hang out with me or not. If everyone wants to go bow down to them, fine. I still know who my true friends are. They are people that I run into after not talking to them in almost a year and being able to be honest about the fact that we both are hurting. They are people who sit on the couch with me every night and watch silly TV shows and yell at each other while playing Words With Friends in the same room. They are high school friends that I don’t see in months and when I’m finally reunited with them it feels like no time has past.

The other night I was hanging out with a huge group of friends I hadn’t seen in a while. It was great to “catch up”, but I honestly felt like I connected more to a random guy that happened to walk up because he heard music playing. I talked to him for ten minutes about show tunes and then he proceeded to tell me about the fact that he almost wasn’t here because he felt the need to take his own life because he was gay. I looked at him and told him “I’m so happy that you are here” and I honestly felt like it was the truest thing I had said in the past three weeks.

I get so upset with myself for letting the stupidest things bother me. Things that everyone struggles with. Like my weight, or the fact I’m never had a boyfriend, or how about the fact that I feel like I don’t have fashionable enough clothes. These things are so trivial and silly and I can’t help but worry about things in this nature all the time on top of all the heavier stuff.

Being in my Sociology classes excites me, but also scares the crap out of me. I’m excited that I’m around people who question the way society sees things the way I do. People who are so ready to break social norms, or at least understand them. But it also scares me because these classes are insane. They are so much hard work and they are exhausting. I was almost so tempted to switch my major to Anthropology and take the easy road when I realized just that. That switching out of Sociology would be the easy road, not the right road. God gives me treats every now and then to help remind me why I’m on the road I’m on. I forget that people are my passion and helping them is (hopefully) what I am suppose to be doing.

Ugh this post is a rambling mess, I apologize.

2011 thus far

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 23:35:34 -0400

January left me defeated

February left me worried

March left me sleepless

April left me stressed

May left me relieved

June had me hoping

July had me going through the motions

August has me dreaming again

love and the mess it creates

Mon, 08 Aug 2011 04:09:56 -0400

So I generally try and avoid posts about love and being lonely and all that jazz, but this is something I can’t ignore. I’ve gotten to that age. The age where half of your friends are either in serious relationships (engaged, married, or on the way to that) or they are completely and utterly single. It can be a very confusing place because half of the people in your life are telling you it’s time to settle down and your biological clock is ticking and the other half (the half I side with) is screaming “are you crazy you’re only 20, slow down and enjoy life, you have the rest of it to be married.”

I’ve been single my whole life. I used to struggle with it a lot, like every teenage girl, but now that I’m ~older and wiser~ I’m perfectly content being where I’m at in the love department, actually the longer I’m single, the more happy I’ve convinced myself I’ll be. So here I am, walking down the single road, minding my own business, when all of the sudden, my older brother (4 years older, always single as well) declares that he is/was in a relationship. I don’t know how serious it was (cuz we don’t talk about those things) but it was weird and new. It started the pressure of finding someone. Once this happened, my mom started the whole, “Erin, I want grandkids once day, hopefully soon” talk. Which scared the crap out of me, cuz if getting married wasn’t scary enough, actually taking care of my own child is even more scary.

Now my little sister (13 months younger) is in her first ~real relationship. And here’s Erin. Just living her life. It’s also been harder because I’m the only Christian in my family, so my views on dating are very very very different than the rest of my family. So this added pressure (which isn’t there on purpose) is just sitting in front of me and I won’t approach it. I find that I’ve almost been having staring contests with it, if you will indulge my imagination for a second. I see it, I acknowledge that it is approaching, one day when I least expect it, but I still enjoy the ~single life. The life that I have suits me. I can write crazy blog posts at 4 in the morning without any real consequences. But there are new desires in my heart. Desires to actually share my life with someone in a way I haven’t before. And I’m scared crapless, because who is this person??? Nevertheless, we are still at a standstill and I hope it stays that way for a little bit longer.

fame and fortune

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 17:29:25 -0400

Growing up, and even now, I was the best at creating these fantasy stories in my head where I become famous on accident and every one knows my name and I fall in love with my favorite celebrity and any one who hurt me came and apologized to me. I always knew that this would never ever happen, but I always wish it would.

Why is it, in today’s society, every one is so obsessed with being famous and known. Some days I wish I could find some hidden talent and be on late night talk shows and in tabloid magazines, but I forget how awful it is to be famous. You never get a moment to yourself, hateful rumors are always being spread about you, and no one wants to see you succeed. They say there’s no business like show business because no other business is sooooo mean. It’s all about your looks and how many people you can please.

But I still want to be apart of it. I feel like everyone does at one point. It’s like we’re conditioned to want it, and buying tabloids and watching E! news doesn’t help at all. There are millions of people dying every day because they don’t have access to clean water or food. Why can’t the world be focused on finding a solution to help these people instead of being so worried about who Justin Beiber is dating (Selena Gomez btw, see how gross this is).

Even this blog doesn’t help, I have to fight with myself to not be so concerned about how many people read it. It’s my dream is becomes like Make It Mad, which is sick, because this blog is here for nobody but myself… or at least that’s what I tell myself. I believe it’s the human condition to want to be known and loved by as many people as possible. We become obsessed with how many friends we have on facebook and how many followers we have on tumblr, when at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter at all.

This post is me realizing that show business and social networking websites and people’s approval are idols in my life. I think the first step to fixing an addiction to an idol is admitting it, so here it is, me admitting that my list of idols in my life is ever growing. That I am a broken human just like every one else. Thank God for our Savior.

conflicted

Tue, 26 Jul 2011 05:20:37 -0400

It’s days like today where I’m so conflicted. I know I need to grow up but I don’t want to. Half my brain is sick of these 5am nights that I used to be so accustomed to. The other half is glad to be back at this spot. I am wrestling with myself again, trying not to land back into the hole I was once in. It’s getting harder to climb out and I keep blaming it on every thing else in my life when I know that’s wrong. I know what I need to do, I know how to basically do it, but why is it so hard to go actually do it?

the future freaks me out

Thu, 21 Jul 2011 15:35:53 -0400

I’ve been looking back at the past year a lot lately. I’ve also been trying to look at my future a lot. Something that I’ve realized is I’ve been afraid to dream again.

Last time I had a big dream, I fell flat on my face. I had an almost dream kinda come true while I was on the phone with a friend yesterday. We shall see Monday how that one goes. Because if I do get this job, I will be able to quit Disney. I will be able to focus on school, I will be able to be a part of a Christian community again. But. But, part of me is scared to dream for this job because if it doesn’t work out, then I will have put all my hope into something that has the ability to break me again.

This blog is called hope with bring a brighter day. Those are words I HAVE to live by because hope is the only thing I have some days. But I’m scared to hope, I’m scared to dream. I want so many things, but I’m afraid the things that I want aren’t what God wants and He’s going to pull everything from under me again.

If you are reading this, just pray that Monday’s job interview goes well and that I can learn to dream without so much caution again.